Lestazuma's Revenge
by jerseygirlinoxford
Summary: Follow up the Halloween Duty. Lester gets even with Ranger.
1. Chapter 1

Lestazuma's Revenge by Jersey Girl in Oxford (sue)

This is a follow up to Halloween Duty. I am a Babe and write accordingly, but Ranger might get a little…uh…damaged in this one. This was also written for Kym to make her laugh because some douche bag made her feel bad. 2 middle fingers to that person! Hey, this isn't War and Peace….just a nut having a little fun. Even though Janet doesn't give a shit anymore, she owns them…not me!

Lester was finally out the psychiatric hospital and back to work. He still suffered some facial ticking when Grandma Mazur's name was mentioned. Other than that, he was just about back to normal. Or as normal as possible for Lester. It was all Ranger's fault that he had a break down. For the first 2 weeks after his trauma, Lester would faint and wet his pants around any flashing lights. This called for payback of epic proportion, and he knew just what to do.

Ranger was so regular a person could set his watch by him. Up at 5, in the gym by 5:15, jogging at 6:30, and the kicker, fruit and protein smoothies freshly prepared by Ella at 7:30. Of course, this time may or may not be a little skewed if he spent the night with Stephanie. But today, he was right on track. At 7:15, Lester paid a visit to Ella to ask about a recipe. He didn't give a rat's ass about the actual ingredients, but it was a good distraction. As Ella went to get her cookbook, Lester dumped several packets of laxatives into Ranger's smoothies. He thanked Ella for the information and left. Take that, Batman!

Ranger and Hal drove to the Bond's Office. He needed to drop off the body receipts and pick up some new files. Ranger tensed when he began to feel gurgling in his gut. The sensation passed, and he relaxed. About a block away, he could feel a pressure building in his lower abdomen. He shifted in his seat. The next thing he knew…….PPPPFFFTTTT! Hal scrunched up his face and gave him a sideways glance. Hal sniffed the air and rolled down the side window. Ranger was only mildly embarrassed. They were guys…right? Guys farted all the time. But, he was Ranger. People feared and respected him. He wasn't supposed to fart in front of his men on duty. But if Hal valued his job and his health, he would keep his mouth shut. Damn….that does smell. Ranger rolled down his window.

The situation was becoming critical but relief was in sight. They pulled up in front of the Bond's Office. Thank God, it was only Connie that was inside. Ranger quickly made his way to the bathroom as Hal handed her the receipts. He barely got his cargos down before it felt like his ass exploded. Good thing he went commando…might have slowed him down. Ranger was trying to recall what he had eaten in the previous 24 hours that would have given him diarrhea. He couldn't remember eating anything out of the ordinary. Having nothing else to do, he picked up the Woman's World magazine and proceeded to read the featured article on preventing yeast infections.

Ranger could hear Connie and Hal whispering through the door. "Hi girls!" Connie said. Shit, Stephanie and Lula arrived. This situation was about to go from bad to worse.

"Oh my God Connie," he could hear Stephanie say, "What the hell is that smell?" Ranger was grateful that he was behind a locked door because no one ever saw him blush before. He reached around for the handle to do a courtesy flush, but nothing happened. What the fuck? He pushed the handle again. Still nothing. There was no window in the bathroom to allow him to escape. God Damn Son of a Whore!

"Oh…I think that's Ranger. He's been in there a while," Hal told her. Oh you are a dead man Hal, Ranger said to himself. He grabbed for the toilet paper only to see one square left on the roll.

"Damn!" he next heard Lula say, "I better start lightin' some matches." Please God kill me now, Ranger thought.

"Forget the matches…light a bon fire," Stephanie added. His bad ass, man of mystery persona was all going to shit….literally. He could hear a hissing sound of an air freshening product in the next room. He hoped some of that would waft under the door. It smelled like a dead animal in here. "See what happens when you get too much fiber in your diet?" The howl of laughter filled the next room.

"Yeah…now you know why everyone thinks he's such a bad ass!" Lula joked. More laughter. He would never live this down. He remembered that he had a bandana in his back pocket. One problem solved. Now, how the hell was he going to get out of there? The toilet looked like a science experiment. There was a gentle knock on the door.

"Ranger…is everything alright?" Stephanie asked. Beam me up, Scotty.

"Yeah, Babe. I'll be out in a minute….uh someone tried to flush a dead duck down the toilet and it's stuck. Uh…I'm trying to fix it," he responded. Hey, that might be believable with Vinnie's history and all.

"Hey….Ranger said there's a dead duck stuck in the toilet," Stephanie told them. More laughter. Shit, guess that one's not going to work. Someone's going to pay for this, and it's not going to be me! After pulling up his cargos, he was able to check the tank. He found the problem…Thank God…and fixed it. He flushed the toilet and breathed a sigh of relief as it worked. He turned to exit after washing his hands but heard the continued running water as the toilet over flowed. Fuck! He immediately shut of the water and grabbed the plunger. The water receded after 3 thrusts. He sighed. That would have been all he needed. Like this situation wasn't bad enough. He washed his hands again and counted to 10 before opening the door.

Lula was waving the front door like a fan to allow for fresh air. Stephanie was holding her nose. Connie had lit several Fabreze candles. Vinnie came out of his office. "Christ! Did someone dig up a dead body?"

"There was something in the pipes that caused the toilet to back up. I fixed it," Ranger told him. That's his story and he's sticking to it. He held out his hand for Connie to give him the files.

"Are you having stomach problems, Ranger?" Stephanie whispered to him with her eyes full of concern. He gave her a quick kiss on the temple.

"I'm fine, Babe. Gotta go. I'll talk to you later." He just wanted to get the hell outta Dodge. Hal was waiting for him by the SUV. It was obvious he was trying not to laugh. Ranger glared at him and Hal paled. Hey, he didn't want to be the only person today who almost shit himself. Something about this wasn't right. His bowels never betrayed him like this before. Somebody had to do something to him. And wasn't it a coincidence that Lester was back? A third world country would be too good for him.

As soon as Ranger and Hal pulled away, Connie called Lester. "It worked. But you owe us big time. The stench was ungodly!" Lester worked it out with Connie to allow him to disable the toilet. Of course, Connie called Stephanie and Lula to make sure they showed up in time. Nothing embarrassing ever happened to Ranger. They didn't think it would work. Stephanie was used to making a fool of herself all the time. It was nice to have to shoe on the other foot for a change. They all knew it was only a matter of time before Ranger found out it was Lester. Let the games begin!!!!!!!

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Lestazuma's Revenge Part 2-by jerseygirlinoxford (sue)

This is a duel response to both Jenny's Lonely Challenge on PP and Xylia's Choices Challenge on RW. Part 1 is in my folder on both sites.

The story of Ranger's digestive Olympics had made several rounds at Haywood before the morning meeting the next day. Ranger heavily suspected it was Lester who orchestrated one of the most embarrassing episodes in his entire life. Stephanie had called him three more times after he left the Bond's Office to make sure he was alright. Damn! Ranger avoided everyone for the rest of that day and worked out of his apartment. He wanted the closeness of the **comfort** of his own bathroom just in case there was a round two. Lester probably wouldn't have been stupid enough to brag to anyone about what he did. At least for now. He would be expecting Ranger to retaliate and would be suspicious of anything that Ranger did or said. No. It would be best to wait. Let all the talk about his…uh…incident blow over. Besides, he knew **the best way to guarantee a loss is to quit.**

The teasing over the next few days was merciless. One would have thought these guys have never taken a shit before. None of these guys smelled like roses either. Ella left several cans of air neutralizing spray in the office and locker-room bathrooms for a reason. Using his legendary control, Ranger maintained his black face and did not address any of the comments or jokes at his expense. He almost lost his cool once after an hour of trying to ignore Lester blowing on a duck calling whistle. After fighting the urge to ram it up Lester's left nostril, he focused on work and remained **withdrawn** from any social interaction with his staff. Except for Stephanie. Hey…he might have been embarrassed, but he's not stupid. More quacking. Give me strength, Lord! Keep it up, Lester you dumb shit, Ranger said to himself, you're only going to make it worse for yourself!

No matter what Lester did or said, Ranger didn't seem to crack. He heard all about what happened at the Bond's Office from Connie and Hal. The whoopee cushions on his chair during meetings, and the duck calling didn't phase him at all. That toxic dump must have embarrassed the hell out of him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have tried to blame it on a dead duck stuck in the toilet. Of course, some people might have believed him because of the rumors of Vinnie having sex with a duck in his office. Damn! He was going to have to step up his game.

Ranger bided his time. A month went by, and he was rewarded with the perfect scenario. The former New Jersey Governor, Jim McGreevy, was speaking at Trenton State College on gay rights. Because of his status as an ex-Governor and the controversial outing while he was married and in office, the New Jersey State Police contacted Rangeman about providing additional security. They were requesting an additional ten men. Two men were needed to stay with the former Governor at all times. The other eight would be strategically placed around the stage and in the audience. Normally, Ranger would **reject** an assignment such as this. But not because it involved the homosexual community. He just didn't like to involve Rangeman in situations that were too media sensitive. He preferred to keep a low profile. Ranger cracked a smile. He was going to **love** the look on Lester's face. Lester's reputation as a lady's man was about to come under fire. He saw a lot of **lonely** nights in Lester's future.

Ranger made the announcement the next morning during the meeting. He was met with groans and looks of horror. "Lester and Hal will cover Mr. McGreevy at the podium. Tank, myself, Ram, Woody, Bobby, and Cal will be in the audience and surround the stage. The speech is to start at 10:00 AM sharp. We'll meet him at the hotel and escort him to the college at 9:45." Ranger dismissed the team and set about to put his plan in motion. For as much as Ranger's men made fun of him, they were also creatures of habit. Lester needed his orange juice every morning. Not just any type, he needed his Tropicana with the pulp and the added calcium. The dumb mother fucker left it in the refrigerator in the break room on 5. The carton was covered with blue Post It's with his name on it. This was going to be way too easy.

Was this the best Ranger could come up with, Lester asked himself. He must be losing his touch. Okay, he wasn't all that thrilled with standing on a stage next to a homo while all his _friends _ogled the goods. Hell, it was only for a couple of hours. Lester looked at himself in the mirror. "I am the Master!" He thought about his uniform. Damn. He didn't like the idea of wearing pants that showed off his tight and firm ass as well as his package. He reached into the back of his closet for his 'fat' pants. These were the cargos he had when he first came to work for Rangeman. He lost weight just like everyone else did when Ranger enacted the no junk food rule. He had to wear a belt to keep his pants up but at least he wouldn't be giving any ideas to those fruits.

Ranger invited Stephanie to come along for the ride. When she told him that she promised to spend the day with Grandma Mazur, he couldn't have believed his luck. "Bring her along, Babe," he told her. Lester was still afraid of Grandma Mazur. He made arrangements for Stephanie and Grandma Mazur to have seats in the front row. Another thing in Ranger's favor was that Vinnie Plum kept his supply of Viagra in the top drawer of his desk at the Bond's Office. Something about him not wanting his wife to know about it. The maximum dose of Viagra with a healthy portion of Peri-Colace created the perfect revenge cocktail.

Standing at parade rest for hours at a time was a piece of cake. They had done it many times in the service. He stood to the ex-Governor's right while Hal was on his left. He overheard Mr. McGreevy reviewing his speech on the drive over. The topics were gay marriage…._like that was a fucking surprise._ The Boy Scouts…._how gay is that_? Well, it was gay because he got kicked out when he was a kid and was the only one left out. And finally….gays in the military. _Jesus Christ! Don't ask don't tell. They should just Don't Join! Oh shit….Grandma Mazur's in the front row next to Steph. She's waving at me to get my attention. _Lester felt his right eye begin to twitch.

At about fifteen minutes into the speech, Lester felt a strange sensation in his groin. _Oh shit! What's going on here? _He felt himself beginning to get hard. _No… no…no! What the hell is wrong with my dick? Quick….think of sports! _He tried to remain calm. Sweat began to bead on his forehead. _This can't be happening! I'm not into dudes! _Thanks to his wardrobe choice, he was able to fully salute the crowd. _God damn fat pants!_ He glanced down at Grandma Mazur. _Yeah…that will totally turn me off. _She gave him a knowing smile, removed her teeth, and licked her lips. _Fuck me! _Stephanie whispered something in Ranger's ear. Ranger looked up at him and smiled. _Damn him! He did this! Shit! I am so dead._ Ranger said something to Stephanie and headed back stage. A little boy was sitting with two women in the second row. He pointed to Lester.

"Mommy? What's wrong with that guy's pants?" _Could you say that a little louder, kid? I don't think the guy in the leather chaps in the back row heard you. _A murmur started in the crowd as more and more people became more interested in Lester's erection than McGreevy's speech. Lester felt another strange sensation as his stomach began to gurgle. _Now what the fuck was going on?_ He had never felt so bloated in his life. Luckily, he was also the master of the SBD aka silent but deadly fart. He was able to relax himself enough to quietly pass the gas. After what seemed like a whole minute, the pressure eased up. The only problem was he couldn't do anything about the smell. Lester could hear people taking long and deep sniffs behind him.

"I know the mascot for Trenton State is the lion, but did someone bring a herd of goats in here?" Mr. McGreevy asked the crowd after getting a healthy whiff. There was general laughter in the crowd. Mr. McGreevy resumed his speech. The pressure was building again in Lester's abdomen. He was still saluting the crowd. _What the hell did Ranger do to me? And where can I buy more of this stuff? Not even Grandma Mazur is ruining this boner! _ Lester once again relaxed his cheeks to let loose more gas. _No fucking way! I just shit myself! What the fuck? _Lester could feel the loose stool start to run down the backs of his thighs. He scrunched his butt cheeks up, but it didn't stop the flow. _Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! And I'm not wearing any fucking underwear either! _He could hear more sniffing sounds behind him. He was standing in front of a row of men that represented several gay rights groups. Queers for Steers….who supported gay cattle ranchers. No Student Left Behind….he didn't even want to know what that group was about. Gay Parents Association….self explanatory. He could hear them whispering about him.

"Did that tall drink of water shit himself?"

"I think so. Smells like he had six dead gerbils up his ass."

"I guess he likes to receive a lot. He wore out his sphincter muscle."

Lester closed his eyes and swallowed hard. _I'm ruined! I'm fucking ruined! At least they'll know I'm hung like a horse though. I'm going to be known as the guy gay with the boner who shit himself. _There was a loud applause. _Now what? Oh…he's done with his speech. Thank God! Fuck! I have to try to walk now._ A newspaper crew approached the podium. Mr. McGreevy summoned both Hal and him to get in the picture with him. _Fuck me! _Lester half walked and have hobbled over to the ex-Governor. McGreevy looked down and his crotch and smiled. _Please God….kill me. Strike me down with a lightning bolt! _McGreevy put his arms around Lester and Hal. At least Hal didn't look too happy about it either. McGreevy patted Lester in the behind and pulled his hand back as if burned.

"What the hell?" Mr. McGreevy cried out. Lester noticed that Ranger was attempting to hide behind the curtain off stage. He was doubled over laughing and holding his stomach. "Did you shit yourself, son?" Lester nodded. Mr. McGreevy smiled. _What the fuck? Why were all these guys so excited that I shit myself? _Tank saddled up to Ranger. He couldn't make out what he was saying but he hooked his thumb towards him. Ranger said something back, and they two of them exploded in laughter. _Okay Ranger. It is so on right now. I don't know how and I don't know when, but you are going down!_

TBC


End file.
